If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
