Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
