Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
