White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
