dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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