I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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