i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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