I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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