I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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