You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
