i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
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I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
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my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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