i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
