I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
