I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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