I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
