If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
