i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
