you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
