I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
