Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
