hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
