Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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