he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
