I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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