Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm passing your future prison.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.