There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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