i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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