my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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