my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
