remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
