Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
