When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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