why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
