i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
