We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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