Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
