i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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