Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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