By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
