Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
