I wish I only lived at night.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
