oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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