im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
