i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
