i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
