those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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