in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
