im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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