Are we in a gay sports bar?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
