Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
