Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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