The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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