i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize