the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
