Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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