My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
