Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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