you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
