There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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