i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
